Question: how does this sound so far?

( Back )

Answer #1:

I liked it, but you need to remove some of the details like Luftwaffe PA-200 Tornado IDS fighter-bomber to something like IDS fighter-bomber because people, including me, might not have any idea what that is. But you are a very talented writer.

Answer #2:

The first line is kind of awkward. "The plan was flawless or so he thought, no it was flawless the man restated in his head." When you say the "plan was flawless or so he thought." it suggests he (the protagonist, I'm assuming) doesn't doubt the plan and is not aware of the foreshadowing revealed in the line "or so he thought." You see, he thinks it's flawless so he needn't reassure himself, especially when he's expressed no doubt about the plan. The effect would be interesting if you'd put this line in quotes, it would be like he had this movie dialogue in his head representing the doubt he had but could only express jokingly.Consider this

A narration resounded in his mind "The plan was flawless... or so he thought." He reassured himself despite the doubt in his jesting. "No the plan was flawless." he restated.

Also it would be a good idea to label this mysterious character with a few other titles other than "he". You don't have to reveal his name but in not doing so there is an expectation we begin to learn things about him. Even simply calling him a spy or an agent is helpful.

Answer #3:

The way you've structured the story and a lot of the word choice and phrasing you use show that you know how to write and format a good tale. I can't judge the worth of the story from just this small chunk, but one thing I can tell is that you need to get a little more familiar with the different types of punctuation and how to use them. For instance, the first sentence "the plan was flawless or so he thought, no it was flawless the man restated in his head" should be "the plan was flawless, or so he thought. No, it was flawless, the man restated in his head". Try reading your work out loud. If you read it the way it is written you should be able to hear when it sounds unnatural, and then stop and note what would make it sound better (just as a hint, judging from this paragraph the things you want to utilize most are periods). Don't worry, though... I get a really strong atmosphere from your work, and other than punctuation the writing seems really strong. Punctuation you can learn. Atmosphere and writing style you can't, and if you're solid on them you're going to be good to go in no time. :)





** Powered by Yahoo Answers